Self-Publish…Or Don't

I’ll start out by answering your top priority questions first: "Not counting friends, relatives and associates, how many copies have you sold of your self-published book?"

The answer is "None." That’s ‘none’ like in ‘zip,’ ‘zero,’ ‘zilch.’

"Have you tried creating a home page and selling it over the net?" you sneer with superior smugness.

Yes, I created home pages with AOL, and various other places that advertised that any idiot could create a home page in fifteen minutes with their magic software. I was not enough of an idiot. So I hired my brother. He had no problem.

Trouble is, such home pages are not allowed to be commercial so the companies deleted them. But, for only $700 I hired professionals to create a home page which, for additional fees, they included a host, ISP, site, etc.
Still certain you know the flaw that led to my failure, you remark snidely, "But you have to promote the home page. Did you do that?"

Yes, indeedy. I spent $2000 on books about how to create a magnetic web page, publicity that would put it in front of millions of literature starved readers and for the first 100 copies to send them. I must have been too late reaching the millions of starved readers. They were already dead of said starvation or, perhaps, too weak to order. A few did try. They sent me order blanks without an address or check.

The people I wrote about won’t buy it because they didn’t like what I said about them or how I said it. They denied that any of it happened just before they threw the book at me and went off threatening that I better not sell it to any of their friends either.

My ‘friends, relatives and associates’ said I’d already wilted their ears with all the belly-shaking humor, the tear-jerking pathos and the feverish tension I had created so they didn’t need to read it.

The people who printed my book advertised that they would list my book with major book-sellers such as Barnes and Noble. They kept their word. I got on the net, typed in, "Wild, Wicked Web" and, sure enough, there was a picture of my book, a description and a price. Okay, if I’m listed with Barnes and Noble, there must be hundreds of customers anxious to meet the author and buy autographed books and probably Barnes and Noble is looking desperately for the author.

I approached the local Barnes and Noble store manager. "You want to do a signing?" he said with delight shining in his eyes. "Are you on our data base?"

"I sure am," I replied, oozing self-confidence.

"Name of the book?"

"WWW.Wild, Wicked Web."

"You the author?"

"Yup."

He sat down at his computer, poised his fingers above the keyboard and asked, "Your name?"

I had already told him but I repeated, "Steve Diamond."

Click, click, click. "Hmmmm." Click, click, click. "I can’t find your name or the book name on our data base."

"That’s strange. I found it on my computer at home."

"Oh, that. That’s not the data base for stores. You have to be on the store data base to do a signing."

"So how do I get it there?"

"Corporate decides that."

"So how do I get ‘corporate’ to decide?"

The nice man handed me a card with ‘corporate’s’ address and phone number. "I don’t really know. Why don’t you call them and ask." He looked around me and asked the customer behind me if he could help him.

I called "Corporate."

"Who was your publisher?"

"Me."

"Forget it." Click.

I approached some privately owned bookstores. Very few were manned by anyone with the authority to buy books. The owner, in most cases, was on a buying trip or went to Africa to find Dr. Livingstone and never came home.

The ones who had stopped by their businesses momentarily wanted a 40% discount and would consider a week’s consignment with no written contract.

"Uhh, that’s a profit of $7.50 for you and $1.00 for me. Seems kind of lopsided considering you have nothing invested."

"That’s our policy."

"How many books would you want me to leave?"

"Leave a couple. If they sell, we’ll contact you for more."

"Let’s see. It costs me $5.00 to drive over here and back to collect $2.00 and leave more books. I don’t think that would work out well."

"Well, it’s a way to sell your books."

"That’s true. Wouldn’t even cost me much."

No problem, I thought. All travelers buy books to kill the boredom of their journeys. I’ll put my book in the airport bookstores and sell them by the thousands. Upon approaching the airport vendors, I was met with furtive, suspicious stares. "We are contracted to distributors to sell only their books. If we buy from anyone else, we are out of business." It was obvious they thought I was an agent sent to test their loyalty to the distributor Mafia.

I checked with the airport management. "Could I rent space to set up a table to sell books?" I asked.

"We don’t allow anyone to sell anything here except from the stores. You guys think you can come in here in disguise and try to recruit people into your religion. This aint no church."

There are ten thousand libraries in the United States. "If I sell just one book to each library, I’ll be rolling in money," I thought to myself. I went to the head of the City Library with my book and an ingratiating smile.

The librarian looked at the book I was holding out to her and backed off like she could see germs crawling on it.

"We order all our books through The Kirkus Review," she said.

I lowered the book despondently, "How do I get listed on The Kirkus Review?" I asked.

" I have no idea," she answered. She wrote a phone number on a piece of paper and slid it across the table so she wouldn’t risk contact with me. "You can call them at this number and ask."

"Thanks."

I went home and dialed the number. "If you know your party’s extension, dial 1. If you are trying to collect on a bill, dial 2. If you have a password, dial 3. If you want to talk to the operator, dial 0."

I dialed 0. "If you know your party’s extension . . . ." I hung up.

A friend who, I assume, had actually read parts of the book emailed me. "I belong to Alcoholics Anonymous. I’ll mention your book at the meetings. And I have a friend who talks dirty to people on the phone for a living. Maybe she could promote your book."

I wrote back that I looked forward to being the only author made famous by the AA and a lady who makes dirty phone calls.

One of the books I bought advised that I go to writer’s conferences. "You will meet established authors. Show them your book. If they like it, they will introduce you to their agents. You need that kind of personal contact and you need an agent. Okay, that was another $500 for fees, transportation, etc. (The etc. is particularly expensive. Avoid etc.)

I approached several authors with my book in hand. They ran.

I hid it behind me and got one to talk to me. "I’ve sold 10,000 copies of mine," he said. "Just had to order 4000 more."

"Wow! Sounds like you’ve made some really good money."

"Well, I sell the books at cost. I spend a lot to travel all over the United States and the etc. is about to bankrupt me. My kids don’t know who I am, but I’m becoming well known otherwise. That’s the secret. You gotta get your name out there."

"Oh."

"You wanna buy one?"

"If I buy yours, will you buy mine?"

"No, that’s etc. I’m cutting back on etc."

My wife suggested I find a vacant lot and set up a table. "There are ordinances against that," I said.

"I see people selling watermelons like that all the time."

"Watermelons are okay. For selling books, they get arrested."

"Well, if you won’t even try my suggestions, I won’t try to help any more. Maybe people just don’t like your book."

"I don’t think that’s the problem. Nobody’s read it yet."

"I know what to do," she said brightly. "Give them to the Salvation Army. People will read them and tell other people about them and you’ll soon be famous."

"Well at least that would cost me less than the only offer I’ve had to buy them."

But she does have an idea there. I’m pondering it. I wonder if The Salvation Army would have the most promotional readers or would Goodwill?

Note: WWW.Wild, Wicked Web, Jerry's book about six people meeting on the web for fun and games (non-fiction) is beginning to sell a few copies from Amazon.com. It is written under the nom de plume, Steve Diamond.

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