Essays and Assays

Patently Absurd by Barbara North Copyright 2003 All Rights Reserved Barbara North claims to practice the art of ®mung" shui, but in fact is an incredible slob. She is also an award-winning stand-up comic and writer featured on Canadian national television and radio. If you’ve got a satellite dish, you can always catch her crazy characters every day on Teletoon, the cartoon network where Barbara is Canada’s female character announcer. (A weird fact: Babs has a Guinness World Record for appearing in the longest running stand-up comedy show in history.) Barbara is also a freelance writer who has published in newspapers, magazines and websites across Canada and the U.S. She is also a screenwriter. Her animated children’s program the Magic Dog Radio Call-in Show is currently in development for television.

So I’m at the bookstore and there’s a new book series with “Hugs™” in the title.

I’m ph&@#*g™ scared.

The explosion of licensing in the form of trademarks, copyrights and registered marks is draining the world of legally usable words. Already teachers face legal action if they give passing grades to student essays featuring the words “chicken,” “soup” or “soul” in close proximity. And if kids write “I been dids that befours” teachers will have no choice but to mark it correct ¼ because of slim pickings in unlicensed vocabulary.

We might need a twelve-step program for trademark-aholism. If this continues unchecked little kids at birthday parties will be thrown into police cruisers and taken to jail for daring to sing Happy Birthday©without a license. Soon enough I won’t be able to say I love you™ to my mothering-like-woman (formerly known as m-o-m).

Not since the cancellation of Oprah"s Book Club© have writers been on the brink of such crisis. Wordsmiths worldwide will be forced to pilfer from crude Neanderthal grunts as our only remaining language source. Soon enough we’ll be plying the lesser used “ooog” when wanting to express concepts like “the™.”

As if copyrights and trademarks aren’t enough, we’ve got another encroachment taking over everyday life: the patent. Recently Harvard applied for a patent on a mouse. They claimed it to be their own little “transgenic non-human mammal.” Basically for those of us who aren"t scientists, that’s ®a lab mouse." Okay, okay, as far as lab mice go, Harvard"s genetically altered "Oncomouse" is something special.

Although, maybe not to everyone. Canada’s Supreme Court ruled that the Harvard mouse does not qualify as an “invention” under the country’s federal Patent Act of 1869. It does however qualify as a “rodent” under 1869 laws.

At least American courts granted the patent. Thank goodness. With the doors wide open everyday citizens might use Oncomouse of their own free accord! Scientists would be sweatin’ it out. I mean, hey, what if Ronco (makers of the Roncomatic™) started horning in on the genetic manipulation game? The Ronco-Onco-mouse might blow Harvard competition out of the patent-pending water. Potential Nobel Prize winners would have to duke it out with Joan Rivers for top sales on the shopping channel.

Also showing us the face of what"s to come: Pierce Brosnan"s face was copyrighted for a James Bond game! If Ebert and Roeper get in on this licensing trend, humans won"t legally be allowed to use their much ballyhooed opposable thumbs—the very seat of our supposed intelligence. That"s two opposable digits down.

Let"s admit it—licensing control is out of control. Soon entire countries will have their likenesses trademarked. If the U.S. trademarks Canada we won"t appear on maps unless cartographers get the rights. Globes and atlases will appear with a blank space above the U.S. Yet for business savvy Third World countries, copyrighting likenesses might be a great idea. The next time someone makes a Vietnam™®© war movie, Hollywood butts’ll be sued off until licensing disputes are resolved.

I predict the end of the world isn’t going to be caused by nuclear devastation or population overload. It’s going to be licensing infractions. Procreation, language and Mother Nature will be legally trademarked beyond accessibility. Humans will breathe their last unregistered, legislated breath in violation.
Oh my God.™

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